Are you one of those people who looks at everyone in your circle and considers them far more blessed…touched by the hand of God as it were…than you will ever be?
Do you suffer from frequent bouts of FOMO or good ol’ fashioned green-eyed envy? Perhaps you look at your friend’s social feeds and find yourself scowling in frustration as you hit ‘Love’, whilst secretly wishing it was you up there, radiating success from your pedestal built on remarkable accomplishments, experiences and relationships?
Be honest now. Not even just a bit? If you flat out deny any inkling of malevolent thoughts caste toward that one friend we all have, who seems to have it all…like…ever…I’m gonna have to call you out.
Because unless you’ve achieved a far more heightened state of enlightenment than most (as in a state that transcends walking among us mere mortals!), chances are you’ve found yourself feeling somewhat “jelly” at various times in life.
Not because you’re a dreadful person. No! Because you’re…wait for it…shock! Horror! HUMAN!
We all want to deny our human traits and tendencies, born from a lifetime of habitual thoughts, feelings and behaviours. But to deny those things that make us human is to deny all other aspects of Self. So…let’s get real for a minute!
The good thing about owning all of our human traits, including jealousy, is that we can then choose how we respond to and control them.
Rather than allowing ourselves to be triggered into an undesirable emotional state (I explain why negative emotions are not a place you want to dwell in, in this blog) and remaining there indefinitely, you can redirect your intention, change your state and in turn, start to reprogram those habitual behaviours.
What do I mean by reprogramming habitual behaviours?
Well, exactly that! Much of our life is driven by the unconscious mind…in fact around 95% of everything we do is at an unconscious level. Think about it in terms of your average 24 hour day, during which you’re consciously self aware and self directing for the equivalent of a whole hour and ten minutes worth of man made time. Give or take…
In other words, most of the thoughts that drive your emotional response to the world and in turn, your habitual behaviours, are completely unbeknownst to you – consciously anyway. We are flooded with 60 to 70 thousand thoughts every day. But how many go straight through the keeper, and how many make it to the light of our conscious awareness?
Pause for a bit and consider, how aware are you of what you’re thinking and feeling at any given moment? And how many of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours have you handed over for your brain’s auto-pilot to navigate through, while you check out?
Maybe you’re too busy, wandering off to ruminate on past paths or worrying over what’s ahead on that horizon. Whatever’s pulling you away from the present moment, it’s like a decoy that gives your unconscious mind leave to take the lead, and direct the merry little dance that is your life.
Hence…we begin living less in a self directed and consciously co-created present, and more in habitual re-activeness to the reality forming around us.
Until we acknowledge and recognise this and work to heal our past that is. Bringing ourselves back to the present and re-aligning our unconscious mind with our conscious awareness (as was the case when we were children), and thereby re-assuming control of our meat suit!
So…where does your jelly trigger come from and how do you break the habit?
Jealousy is notoriously common among the human collective. We don’t talk about things like “Tall Poppy Syndrome” for no reason. In fact, it could be said that jealousy has caused more of our collective suffering than any other “toxic” emotion.
Jealousy essentially stems from the foundational ego response to all things – because ego helps us safely navigate and survive the world – which is fear. Or more specifically, a feeling that I’m not safe.
If we drill down further in respect to jealousy as an emotional trigger, the feeling of “I’m not safe” is often associated with unconscious core beliefs around “there’s never enough”…or what’s commonly referred to as a scarcity mindset or mentality.
This programming stems from growing up in households where you’re constantly told “Money doesn’t grow on trees”, “You can’t have that, it’s too expensive,” or, “We can’t afford it”, and/or where financial conflicts among family members were commonplace.
Then of course there’s the social paradigm most of us are born into, which further embeds those fear triggers and habitual response patterns into our mind’s hardwiring.
From a very early age – which happens to be around the time we’re forming our foundational, unconscious beliefs – we’re taught to compete with everyone around us. Friend or foe, no matter. Because there’s only a finite amount of resource apparently, and if you don’t claim your share, someone else will!
We’re taught that life is about survival of the fittest. “Leave no man standing” and “Take no prisoner” mentalities are exalted as virtues of “healthy competition” – in this reality. But the fact is, competition cannot be healthy when rooted in ego-centred fear.
Humans were never innately intended to live in our modern day paradigm of “competition”, and the necessary disconnect it engenders. Or in a scarcity mindset for that matter. No. We’re meant to be connected…to Self, to Source/God/Universe, and to one another.
And in that connection, we are meant to recognise and know without doubt that we are infinitely and abundantly provided for. Always.
Far from bringing people together, competition has become about creating rifts, rivalries, disconnect, conflict and of course, jealousy.
Some would say these emotions are all a necessary experience of healthy competition. But…are they? Are they, really? Do these emotions make you feel good? Do they lift you up? Elevate your frequency? Expand your energetic vibration? Encourage your growth and forward momentum?
Or do they hold you back, as you marinade in a quagmire of self imposed guilt, shame and frustration?
Jealousy will never elevate you. It will never feed and nurture you. It will never expand you into the more that you can be in any moment. But…gratitude will!
How gratitude can break your jelly habit
When you’re grateful for all you have…even if that which you desire is yet to come, but you have such gratitude that you know it’s on its way…the window for that green eyed monster to creep in and sabotage your personal expansion by getting you all tangled up in what everyone else is doing (and in turn losing sight of your own big picture), gets smaller and smaller.
Gratitude comes from owning your life. All of it. And celebrating that ownership because you know, that you are creating a perfect reality…for yourself. It may not look like another person’s idea of “The Dream”. Heck, it may not even look like yours sometimes!
But in gratitude, we find trust and faith. And we honour all that comes our way as an opportunity to learn, evolve and expand into further alignment with Self and Source, as a conscious co-creator.
We talk about practicing gratitude often. Particularly in mindfulness, health and wellness circles. But how do we get to that place where we actually FEEL a sense of genuine gratitude? Where it’s not just a concept or intellectual experience, but the lived and felt emotion – Hells Yeah! I am sooo freaking grateful for all that I have!!!
To begin with, we must do some work on ourselves. We must step up, own and acknowledge those triggers and emotions that are driving us into that less than desirable state. In this case…jealousy.
Do you experience jealousy when you see other people’s advancements? Personal, professional or financial? Maybe your friend just bought their dream home and you feel you’re never gonna get there, or maybe they struck out on their own to start a business, but you’re immobilised by fear and stuck in a job you hate, with a boss you despise.
Whatever way the green eyed monster is making himself habitually known to you, until you recognise what’s underlying that response, you’ll continue responding in that same way. Which is how we end up stuck in those habitual response patterns!
Become the observer
Next time, when you experience the sensation of jealousy, rather than feeling ashamed or guilty or indeed, dwelling in that emotion, observe it as objectively as you possibly can.
Instead of projecting it out towards your friend on Facebook or Instagram who’s living THEIR dream (or seems to be anyway!), unpack it and look at it from the place within, where it’s really coming from.
Take away that other person’s thing to be jealous of. Now, what is the actual feeling you’re left with? Perhaps it’s attached to a disappointment with your parents. Feeling like a failure, or you’re not enough. Feeling like you’re not worthy, or deserving of good things…
Ultimately, you’ll find it all comes down to a fundamental mindset rooted in scarcity. Because logically, when we think there’s never enough to go around, we’ll be compelled to fight others for the crumbs and be terrified that everyone’s getting “all the good stuff”…obviously there won’t be anything left for me!
Whatever it is, acknowledging the internal source – the unconscious thought associated with the feeling – is the first step toward liberation from those progress sabotaging and energy sucking states, like jealousy.
Then it’s about finding a way to effectively address those internal triggers. To release yourself from the pain of the past and reclaim control of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and therein, your power in terms of the life you choose to create.
Until you find that path, the best response you can have to the state you’re triggered into – that state of jealousy (or any other type of fear/scarcity experience for that matter) – is to pause. Observe. Acknowledge where it’s coming from. And then choose to move into gratitude instead.
Okay, so you don’t have the flashy car your friend just bought. But you do have a car right? And you own that car. No big debts hanging over your head…You can look at what your friend has, in light of what you don’t have – which comes from that egoic place of fear rooted in a scarcity mindset – or you can take a step back from the feeling and thought and change your perspective.
How about this? Rather than being tempted down the torturous path of cursing the blessings bestowed upon others as they take THEIR journey, why not make the conscious choice to start counting all of your own blessings? In gratitude.
Observe where the feeling of jealousy is coming from. And then observe the abundance of blessings you already have. Even better…make a list. Start with just 3 things you can think of that you are grateful for. Even if it’s just the basics…1. Getting up in the morning, 2. Still breathing! 3. Food and shelter…the essentials.
Then, every night before you go to bed, add one more thing to your Gratitude list you have to be thankful for from that day. Watch as your blessings soon add up! And watch what happens as you take your power back from that green-eyed monster!